Phase III
In order to NOT go back to a distraught-filled past, one must really determine to confront the force field that had always had the knack of pulling you back toward it. Secrecy is deadly and denial is detriment, so here I am sitting and writing. I'm reconciling with my past once again and for the last time. I don't think the times before where I became transparent about my past ever saw me really forgiving my past or forgiving me for the part I voluntarily AND involutarily played. I don't think I ever saw myself existing in a place where "old things are passed away; behold all things are become new". I don't think I ever saw myself existing there until just now.
I'm sitting here with quiet tears flowing down the crevices of my face as they fall to cradle in the strength of my lap and I'm amazed at my Father right now because He showed me a huge piece of myself tonight. He showed me where I came from and He helped me to realize that it was the strength of His love that carried me through the wearied weakness of my flesh. He showed me how this carnal ravage desired and provoked power into my past to haunt my every thought and want to go forward...He showed me freedom. He showed me life. He showed me myself existing in the two and being enthralled by the comfort and the responsibility of being alive and free.
So here I am...reconnecting with my future because that's where my destiny lies. To even look back is to look death square in the eye. This meeting of the eyes is a meeting that I can't afford to venture into because this look could kill me and any chance at living again with my Father. It's just that serious...I don't recant my humanism because it's the vehicle in which God has allowed my spirit to roam freely to do His work in the Earth, but I will no longer use it as an excuse to "slip and fall". My addictions of the flesh have expired (a choice I had to make) and my ways are now seeking to be admonished by truth and light...
So...with head held high, I tell you who I was and I give God who I am and know that who I am will be seen only if I choose to be who I am in God...
I was little and feeble in mind body and spirit yet Tavares. I was born of woe-man and into iniquity. I was brought up in poverty and managed to maintain an air of success within the confinements thereof. I was born to endure pain and peril for God's glory and hadn't known childhood beyond the age of three. From ages 4-12....the damage of sexual abuse and mental raping reigned in my life and robbed me of knowing childhood, but the gifts of God's spirit found solace deep within and never left me without Him. I ran to education and a need to please for a safety place from all the confusing noise instilled inside of my brain. I was never able to find a home that fit me or a label that totally described me. I was born to become and though the path was blocked with a heavy stone, the results were and will continue to be, "all things working together for MY good". This purpose provoked desire and passion and now I know who I am...
I AM a man of God and I am more than a conqueror. I am no longer bound by my past but am all the more empowered. I understand that my tumultuous rearing wasn't to destroy me and purpose solely, but more importantly to bring light to the power of victory and the overwhelming preservation of God's grace and God's mercy. I am still learning who I am. I am esoteric in interest, eclectic in amusements, complex in thought, caring in the way I treat others. Lastly mentioned but definitely not lastly discovered is one thing I've made it a point to know...the man that was will not be the man that is or the man that will soon be. I am a steady evolution of God's power to mold, tranform, and renew....
I am Tavares...finally at peace with my past and grateful to look forward to finding joy in my present and to behold the promise of my future...
Friday, February 20, 2009
The Journey to Me--Backward Toward Immaturity?
Phase II
Sometimes you need to get away. I don't mean go off to a land far-away or even to a destination of physical solitude. I'm talking in your own private thoughts. Sometimes you have to escape the confinements of your existence and really look at yourself from an "outside" view. Sometimes it's hard to see yourself when you're so caught up in yourself. Creating an out of body experience where you truly see yourself as you really are and as you were born to be is necessary for true growth. Sometimes it's just needed. This is something that you can only do with God leading you through the process of seeing you. It can be down-right frightening if you go at this one without Him...
I vowed this year to do a lot less talking and I saw myself slipping back to this wide-open vocalization of desire and struggle and I couldn't believe where I almost saw myself existing--once again addicted to bondage! It's one thing when you run into noise of pain and past unaware and it catches you off guard, but when you invite it in and you make a personal request for it's company, that's something in another realm of stupidity! Sometimes you have to sit quietly and really look at yourself to see something so real and living otherwise you'll find yourself far gone before you even knew you went anywhere.
For the past few days this has been the refrain in my heart, mind and soul, "Victory is maintained by self-control". Even in my humanity, I can't help but believe that I'm more than what wishes to control me. I'm more than a conqueror over the enemy of my future. I don't have to answer to it, but rather, it must answer to me. If I resist, it's only response is to flee. So why hasn't it been running away from me? Maybe because I've found myself running after it and it's enjoying being captured.
The pain of my past is of my past. Leaving it there is a matter of self-control not happenstance. I think I realize now that what "was" is forever trying to play catch-up in my present so that it can release the intended destruction of my future. If I wish to continue to walk in victory, then I must create some boundaries for my own space and atmosphere. I have to be humbled enough to admit an error of the mind and a meeting of the flesh. I have to be done with pride and embrace correction. I have to filter my environment. I have to control my flesh... Like David, I want that even my flesh to long for God and right now, it's longing for something else TOTALLY contrary to God and....
I can't afford to go backward toward immaturity...not if I plan to live THIS year...
oh my God...I feel another cutting and this one feels like death to the bone...
ok, God...Have your way...
Sometimes you need to get away. I don't mean go off to a land far-away or even to a destination of physical solitude. I'm talking in your own private thoughts. Sometimes you have to escape the confinements of your existence and really look at yourself from an "outside" view. Sometimes it's hard to see yourself when you're so caught up in yourself. Creating an out of body experience where you truly see yourself as you really are and as you were born to be is necessary for true growth. Sometimes it's just needed. This is something that you can only do with God leading you through the process of seeing you. It can be down-right frightening if you go at this one without Him...
I vowed this year to do a lot less talking and I saw myself slipping back to this wide-open vocalization of desire and struggle and I couldn't believe where I almost saw myself existing--once again addicted to bondage! It's one thing when you run into noise of pain and past unaware and it catches you off guard, but when you invite it in and you make a personal request for it's company, that's something in another realm of stupidity! Sometimes you have to sit quietly and really look at yourself to see something so real and living otherwise you'll find yourself far gone before you even knew you went anywhere.
For the past few days this has been the refrain in my heart, mind and soul, "Victory is maintained by self-control". Even in my humanity, I can't help but believe that I'm more than what wishes to control me. I'm more than a conqueror over the enemy of my future. I don't have to answer to it, but rather, it must answer to me. If I resist, it's only response is to flee. So why hasn't it been running away from me? Maybe because I've found myself running after it and it's enjoying being captured.
The pain of my past is of my past. Leaving it there is a matter of self-control not happenstance. I think I realize now that what "was" is forever trying to play catch-up in my present so that it can release the intended destruction of my future. If I wish to continue to walk in victory, then I must create some boundaries for my own space and atmosphere. I have to be humbled enough to admit an error of the mind and a meeting of the flesh. I have to be done with pride and embrace correction. I have to filter my environment. I have to control my flesh... Like David, I want that even my flesh to long for God and right now, it's longing for something else TOTALLY contrary to God and....
I can't afford to go backward toward immaturity...not if I plan to live THIS year...
oh my God...I feel another cutting and this one feels like death to the bone...
ok, God...Have your way...
The Journey To Me...
This year, I vowed to talk a little less, pray a lot more and to let my pen document the change as a result. I guess you can say, this is installment # 1.
Truth requires change. No one can know it and remain what they were prior to its revelation. I must say, I am definitely a recipient of this knowledge and am the better because of it. I made a hard decision in January to say good-bye to a life that evolved itself into a hellish existence that numbed and hardened by soul and my emotions. It made me unaware of my truest form and even deny my greatest potential to become. I think I cried in 2008 a good 3/4 of the year and it was because of this acceptance of what was and my refusal to acknowledege what could be. I was choosing to be a caged bird and the door to freedom was wide-open to me. I couldn't see myself existing outside of the enclosed space of death and vileness; it had become my home and the very place of my heart's desire. I was poisoned against freedom and though I had been delivered unto it's vastness and wide course, I somehow could only go so far before I found myself walking back through the door to my prison home...the place where my heart was. Easily seduced by loneliness, I could never embrace freedom because I had no room to hold it. I was holding onto that which could have carried me straight to hell. My emotions, my desires, my lusts, my passions, my insecurites, my sin...straight to hell...
Something happened on January 2, 2009. January 1 was jacked up and I couldn't have jacked it up much worst than I did if I had planned it myself. I hadn't planned to fall, but I did and at the most critical moment....one foot out the door of bondage and the other foot on its way out...this could have easily set the course for a horrible 2009...thankfully, God didn't kill me...and thankfully, God didn't destroy the purpose of 2009 in the moment...His plan superceded my failure. On January 2, 2009 I embarked on a 21 day consecration that absolutely filtered and shook my life. It was almost as if I stopped flocking with geese and gained the courage, stamina and strength of an eagle. I decided to fly above what had held me hostage and bonded with others who were also bonded to sin. I decided to be an expression of freedom that I don't think I've ever imagined I could express. I made a choice to choose life and blessings. I chose to obey. I chose to let God lead me on further into freedom's way farther than I've ever been. He made it so that I only breathed His name and anything else that wished to seep into my lungs were instantly rejected. My atmosphere make up had changed and I became equipped to reject the formula of air of my previous 27 years...I evolved in 21 days. I now began to breathe new air....breathing freedom and truth was new to me...at first it suffocated me but only because it couldn't exist where bondage and lies were festering and darkening my lungs, killing me... God gave me new life. He cut out the lungs and the heart of a defeated soul and gave me new EVERYTHING....and the journey to me couldn't be better...
You know since I've completed the 21 days of soul searching, I've been called selfish and have been told that I don't know what I want. I've been told that I'm not allowed to change so suddenly...that I must take it slow and change within the process of regression...I don't think I have time for that. I'm just going to fully embark on this journey to me...that's the procress of progression...not that I've suddenly changed...I've just gotten off one road and decided to take a new more progessive route...the road to self-awareness not selfishness...the journey to me...
Truth requires change. No one can know it and remain what they were prior to its revelation. I must say, I am definitely a recipient of this knowledge and am the better because of it. I made a hard decision in January to say good-bye to a life that evolved itself into a hellish existence that numbed and hardened by soul and my emotions. It made me unaware of my truest form and even deny my greatest potential to become. I think I cried in 2008 a good 3/4 of the year and it was because of this acceptance of what was and my refusal to acknowledege what could be. I was choosing to be a caged bird and the door to freedom was wide-open to me. I couldn't see myself existing outside of the enclosed space of death and vileness; it had become my home and the very place of my heart's desire. I was poisoned against freedom and though I had been delivered unto it's vastness and wide course, I somehow could only go so far before I found myself walking back through the door to my prison home...the place where my heart was. Easily seduced by loneliness, I could never embrace freedom because I had no room to hold it. I was holding onto that which could have carried me straight to hell. My emotions, my desires, my lusts, my passions, my insecurites, my sin...straight to hell...
Something happened on January 2, 2009. January 1 was jacked up and I couldn't have jacked it up much worst than I did if I had planned it myself. I hadn't planned to fall, but I did and at the most critical moment....one foot out the door of bondage and the other foot on its way out...this could have easily set the course for a horrible 2009...thankfully, God didn't kill me...and thankfully, God didn't destroy the purpose of 2009 in the moment...His plan superceded my failure. On January 2, 2009 I embarked on a 21 day consecration that absolutely filtered and shook my life. It was almost as if I stopped flocking with geese and gained the courage, stamina and strength of an eagle. I decided to fly above what had held me hostage and bonded with others who were also bonded to sin. I decided to be an expression of freedom that I don't think I've ever imagined I could express. I made a choice to choose life and blessings. I chose to obey. I chose to let God lead me on further into freedom's way farther than I've ever been. He made it so that I only breathed His name and anything else that wished to seep into my lungs were instantly rejected. My atmosphere make up had changed and I became equipped to reject the formula of air of my previous 27 years...I evolved in 21 days. I now began to breathe new air....breathing freedom and truth was new to me...at first it suffocated me but only because it couldn't exist where bondage and lies were festering and darkening my lungs, killing me... God gave me new life. He cut out the lungs and the heart of a defeated soul and gave me new EVERYTHING....and the journey to me couldn't be better...
You know since I've completed the 21 days of soul searching, I've been called selfish and have been told that I don't know what I want. I've been told that I'm not allowed to change so suddenly...that I must take it slow and change within the process of regression...I don't think I have time for that. I'm just going to fully embark on this journey to me...that's the procress of progression...not that I've suddenly changed...I've just gotten off one road and decided to take a new more progessive route...the road to self-awareness not selfishness...the journey to me...
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