The Journey to Me--Reconciling With My Past

Phase III

In order to NOT go back to a distraught-filled past, one must really determine to confront the force field that had always had the knack of pulling you back toward it. Secrecy is deadly and denial is detriment, so here I am sitting and writing. I'm reconciling with my past once again and for the last time. I don't think the times before where I became transparent about my past ever saw me really forgiving my past or forgiving me for the part I voluntarily AND involutarily played. I don't think I ever saw myself existing in a place where "old things are passed away; behold all things are become new". I don't think I ever saw myself existing there until just now.

I'm sitting here with quiet tears flowing down the crevices of my face as they fall to cradle in the strength of my lap and I'm amazed at my Father right now because He showed me a huge piece of myself tonight. He showed me where I came from and He helped me to realize that it was the strength of His love that carried me through the wearied weakness of my flesh. He showed me how this carnal ravage desired and provoked power into my past to haunt my every thought and want to go forward...He showed me freedom. He showed me life. He showed me myself existing in the two and being enthralled by the comfort and the responsibility of being alive and free.

So here I am...reconnecting with my future because that's where my destiny lies. To even look back is to look death square in the eye. This meeting of the eyes is a meeting that I can't afford to venture into because this look could kill me and any chance at living again with my Father. It's just that serious...I don't recant my humanism because it's the vehicle in which God has allowed my spirit to roam freely to do His work in the Earth, but I will no longer use it as an excuse to "slip and fall". My addictions of the flesh have expired (a choice I had to make) and my ways are now seeking to be admonished by truth and light...

So...with head held high, I tell you who I was and I give God who I am and know that who I am will be seen only if I choose to be who I am in God...

I was little and feeble in mind body and spirit yet Tavares. I was born of woe-man and into iniquity. I was brought up in poverty and managed to maintain an air of success within the confinements thereof. I was born to endure pain and peril for God's glory and hadn't known childhood beyond the age of three. From ages 4-12....the damage of sexual abuse and mental raping reigned in my life and robbed me of knowing childhood, but the gifts of God's spirit found solace deep within and never left me without Him. I ran to education and a need to please for a safety place from all the confusing noise instilled inside of my brain. I was never able to find a home that fit me or a label that totally described me. I was born to become and though the path was blocked with a heavy stone, the results were and will continue to be, "all things working together for MY good". This purpose provoked desire and passion and now I know who I am...

I AM a man of God and I am more than a conqueror. I am no longer bound by my past but am all the more empowered. I understand that my tumultuous rearing wasn't to destroy me and purpose solely, but more importantly to bring light to the power of victory and the overwhelming preservation of God's grace and God's mercy. I am still learning who I am. I am esoteric in interest, eclectic in amusements, complex in thought, caring in the way I treat others. Lastly mentioned but definitely not lastly discovered is one thing I've made it a point to know...the man that was will not be the man that is or the man that will soon be. I am a steady evolution of God's power to mold, tranform, and renew....

I am Tavares...finally at peace with my past and grateful to look forward to finding joy in my present and to behold the promise of my future...