The Journey to Me--Backward Toward Immaturity?

Phase II

Sometimes you need to get away. I don't mean go off to a land far-away or even to a destination of physical solitude. I'm talking in your own private thoughts. Sometimes you have to escape the confinements of your existence and really look at yourself from an "outside" view. Sometimes it's hard to see yourself when you're so caught up in yourself. Creating an out of body experience where you truly see yourself as you really are and as you were born to be is necessary for true growth. Sometimes it's just needed. This is something that you can only do with God leading you through the process of seeing you. It can be down-right frightening if you go at this one without Him...

I vowed this year to do a lot less talking and I saw myself slipping back to this wide-open vocalization of desire and struggle and I couldn't believe where I almost saw myself existing--once again addicted to bondage! It's one thing when you run into noise of pain and past unaware and it catches you off guard, but when you invite it in and you make a personal request for it's company, that's something in another realm of stupidity! Sometimes you have to sit quietly and really look at yourself to see something so real and living otherwise you'll find yourself far gone before you even knew you went anywhere.

For the past few days this has been the refrain in my heart, mind and soul, "Victory is maintained by self-control". Even in my humanity, I can't help but believe that I'm more than what wishes to control me. I'm more than a conqueror over the enemy of my future. I don't have to answer to it, but rather, it must answer to me. If I resist, it's only response is to flee. So why hasn't it been running away from me? Maybe because I've found myself running after it and it's enjoying being captured.

The pain of my past is of my past. Leaving it there is a matter of self-control not happenstance. I think I realize now that what "was" is forever trying to play catch-up in my present so that it can release the intended destruction of my future. If I wish to continue to walk in victory, then I must create some boundaries for my own space and atmosphere. I have to be humbled enough to admit an error of the mind and a meeting of the flesh. I have to be done with pride and embrace correction. I have to filter my environment. I have to control my flesh... Like David, I want that even my flesh to long for God and right now, it's longing for something else TOTALLY contrary to God and....

I can't afford to go backward toward immaturity...not if I plan to live THIS year...

oh my God...I feel another cutting and this one feels like death to the bone...

ok, God...Have your way...